I have had this powerful conversation with an amazing girl from NewZealand… We have never met, but I think we have some sort of connection. She is the kind of person that if she speaks, I stop and I listen. If she posts, I read.
It surprised me how open and honest I can be now… I opened up to her like I have never before… And I thought I share it with you. This is me… with my naked thoughts…
We were talking about last year’s events in our lives…
She asked: What do you think shifted for you to get yourself going?
‘It really scared me when I was home, knowing that I have another DeepVeinThrombosis (I had one before so I knew the symptoms) but I couldn’t get to the hospital yet, because I couldn’t afford to miss my income from that weekend and I couldn’t let my clients down.
I went to sleep praying to any authority ‘up there’ not to let me die that night because I am not ready to go yet.
Then I realized that I was wasting my time and kept procrastinating
ALL THE TIME…
=> I’ll go to the gym later… (and the excuse: I have to go to work)
=> I’ll start the diet later… (and the excuse: I don’t have time to cook healthy food – because I have to work as much as I can)
=> I’ll start putting together my business training later… (and the excuse: I don’t know enough, I am not enough – typical impostor syndrome)
=> I’ll be true to myself and show who I really am when whatever… (and the excuse: people will criticize me if I don’t fit into the box)
But what if we don’t have that much time?
It’s like when people are waiting for the perfect time to have a baby and by the time they think it’s the perfect time, they run out of time and struggling to get pregnant…
I have decided to try not to give a damn about what people will think of me.
I make myself a priority. And if people don’t like me, well… It’s okay.
I cut my hours from my business and started to take care of myself.
I have realized that I can work 6 days/week, there will always be someone who wants to come on the 7th day.
If I lose a client because I am taking care of myself, well… I’m cool with that now.
I make sure I have time for my gym, I have time for my sleep and I have time to cook for myself instead of eating junk. (well, most of the time)
I had huge INNER FIGHTS for years… Because people wanted me to fit in. But only into their boxes. And I had times when I tried…
They saw me happy, flirty, being comfortable talking about sexuality and not afraid of showing my imperfect body. -and they picked on it.
-Why are you so happy?
-Why are you sharing EVERYTHING on social media? (how ironic… they don’t know shit about me, yet they think that’s everything)
-This (whatever THIS is) is not professional.
-Too much boobs! (when I show them)
-FAT COW (When I wear clothes that hides them – yes, those don’t suit me)
CRITICIZING ALL THE TIME – former friends, strangers… People think they have the right. And to be honest, maybe they do. Once you put yourself out there… Yes.
I still struggle to understand why people waste their energy to put out NEGATIVE VIBES.
They don’t see that I randomly call in people for free treatments when they need to feel that they are loved.
They don’t see that I collect donations for the homeless.
They don’t see that I walk home the old lady from the bus because she isn’t used to walking in the dark alone. – and choose to be late from my scheduled meeting
They don’t see how many times I feel uncertain of why people are looking at me… And thinking: ‘They must be laughing at me… They must hate me.’
To be completely honest, I have a really shy and vulnerable version of me. When I am not sure that I am LOVEABLE enough, PRETTY enough, SMART enough, WHATEVER enough…
But I have learned not only to ACCEPT it but LOVE IT. And the more honest I am about it, the more comfortable it gets. I can totally relate to Phillip Schofield when he said: ‘Every person I tell, it gets a little lighter and a little lighter.’
We all have to remember! Perfect doesn’t exist.
So I am totally okay to put my 100% imperfect SOUL, BODY AND MIND out there.
If you don’t like it, I 100% RESPECT YOU AND HONOR YOUR OPINION, but please do me and yourself a favor:
Close this window. Unfollow me. Unlike my page.
Because I ain’t gonna change to fit into your box.
I am not going to stop showing up without makeup.
I am not going to stop using the word fuck and shit.
I am not going to stop wearing tops that show my sexy boobies.
I am not going to stop having naughty jokes.
I’m sorry, I’m not sorry: I AM NOT WILLING TO STOP BEING ME TO SATISFY YOUR TASTE.
I am 100% professional when I need to be but I am also trying to create a LIFE that is a fun, enjoyable, sassy and spicey journey that I and the right people around me can enjoy.
If you can’t handle it, please believe me: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.
But please, stop criticizing. (not only me. Others too.)
Please let me be ME and let me believe that there is nothing wrong with me either.